In beginning this writing, I unashamedly took from the title of C.S Lewis’s book “The Problem of Pain”. It seems a fitting title for the topics at hand that I wish to discuss in light of the recent events of my previous leader having serious allegations of sexual misconduct brought against him. It is unfortunately a case of history repeating itself. I wish it were not so, but it is.

My life has been changed forever since leaving the house of prayer 9 years ago. In fact the past seven years have been the most shaken years of my life. Up until a few years ago I was on many different stages for different reasons in the name of “ministry”. In 2017 I found myself sitting across from a therapist in EMDR therapy with a diagnosis of CPTSD and PPD and vicarious trauma following a gang hold up, losing my first home, two cross country moves, complex family troubles and trauma while helping others with serious traumas and a life I had generally known as being “in ministry” or “in the church”.

Background

My entire life my family had always been “in ministry”. It was absolutely to be expected. My grandfather was a tent revivalist and pastor, a founder in Open Bible Churches, and my parents wanted to follow in his footsteps and take a life of church planting while also holding down regular jobs and raising children.

I was homeschooled until 3rd grade with a “Christian Education” through Christian Liberty Academy and various other sources as homeschooling often goes. While googling nearly any organisation can make you raise an eyebrow or two, I was not without impact from men like Bill Gothard and other ministers via TBN and his infamous exhortation to burn troll dolls for fear that they contained door to let in demons, but that is another subject for another day. If you were in the homeschool community you already know, if you would like to be enlightened “Shiny Happy People” on Amazon Prime would be an excellent, although admittedly triggering documentary to watch.

Let’s Get Down to Numbers

How many people do organisations like this affect? According to the Center for the Study of Global Christianity there are over 45,000 denominations globally with over 200 in the United States alone. A church is like a business, they all want to build their local organisation and are often in competition with the other organisations for members, money and impact. They cannot afford to pay everyone and often rely on volunteers who believe in a cause to delegate the work of the pastor or leader who is on a full time payroll and sometimes not on payroll at all or bi-vocational while relying on offerings and paying dues to a denomination. With 45,000 denominations it’s simple math and imagination to realise the number of families doing this for the sake of “the cause”, whatever this may be for this pastor or organisation. My parents were always among the unpaid “all for the cause” delegates falling just below the pastor in seniority and leadership. To live this lifestyle the “cause” was everything, it had to be for the lifestyle sacrifices made. My mother had a degree in music and my dad was a “campfire guitarist” so they lead worship. There were multiple music practices weekly, then Bible studies, homeschool this or that, missions this or that, prayer meeting and outreach and flyer handouts door to door to get new members and church on Sunday. I naturally picked up piano at the age of four or five, and guitar at the age of 11 or 12 when my hands could finally fit around the neck of the guitar. I began leading worship at the age of 12 for youth group.

Photo Credit: Chris Willis

How I became a part of the International House of Prayer

Around the age of 15 my church took a rogue group of teens to a conference held by a ministry called “Friends of the Bridegroom” that had begun 24/7 night and day prayer in September 1999 without stopping in a trailer. For the next couple years we went to these conferences.

When I graduated in 2005 I got dropped off at the house of prayer with no car, a few belongings that would fit in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other girls and committed the next 6 months of my life to staying up midnight to 6am to pray and take classes on theology and the end times. The logic was “you could always go to college later to get the piece of paper later”, and I had changed my mind on going to Open Bible College after completing some college credit at home already thinking that very logic and not wanting to miss the experience of living like a monk or nun without actually becoming one permanently. I committed to no tv, no secular music, no dating (more on the purity movement later), weekly fasting and a life of service. Twice in my 7 years there we did 90 day speech fasts. During my internship, which cost around $2-3k every three months we lived in communal housing, took care of the prayer room cleaning duties, parking attendant services, kitchen duties and digitisation of Mike Bickle’s personal library for sermons. My duties included service on worship team after auditions which was 16-20 hours a week between practices, briefs, debriefs and 2 hour sets to “keep the fire burning”. After my internship I became a staff member and worked part time while maintaining full time staff hours so I could maintain a living and pay rent while I was there. I was pulling well over 90 hours a week between those two jobs and slept less than five hours a day.

Life at the House of Prayer

The minimum income requirements at the time were $740/month for a single person’s income in support raised but you were not allowed to be on any government assistance because “if God called you to the house of prayer, you shouldn’t live off any assistance and he will provide”. Think about this-that is food, rent, medical and everything else to be a full time “intercessory missionary”. I watched families live off $1000/month with 3 kids and no economic assistance because “God wouldn’t want them to”, and if they couldn’t live off that support then “obviously they weren’t called” or they “weren’t being diligent to raise support”. Support raising was even a way to separate those that were called from a life of being an intercessory missionary and those that weren’t. This seems very forward, but to so many it rippled into making incredibly deep sacrifices to be there because to be someone that stayed was such a huge badge of honor. So many of us who did leave wrestled with guilt and worthiness around needing to leave the community and enter into normal vocations. The price paid to be there was at the cost of real people and real families and real lives. I can’t exactly say if this was the fault of anyone or pinpoint a blame on one thing or another because ultimately those who made that sacrifice did so voluntarily, but it comes from a culture that was very much alive. Culture in any place or organisation is so powerful, and to shepherd a culture is one of the most challenging things any leader can face.

Because the nature of being there was centred around eschatology (end times theology), we also talked a lot about martyrdom and suffering. I remember being most shaken by the many stories of those who were martyred who had pastors that betrayed them and turned them in. I couldn’t shake the thought of being betrayed by Mike Bickle or any of my other leaders. We had “prophetic history”, we were a community and we had the “real deal” right? I watched these men weep while they prayed in sincerity, both behind closed doors as well as in front of 25,000 people at conferences. Then as people left over the years, as they do, leaders in the house of prayer told us we couldn’t read their books because it would “lead us astray” as these ex leaders had gone astray. I watched divisions happen among people who used to love each other and the prophetic history experience revisions when prophecies didn’t happen, or when sexual scandals from the prophets were revealed and they went into hiding. In the most public scandal I witnessed regarding Bethany Deaton, it hit very close to home both literally and figuratively. She died in the lake behind my old house in Grandview. Her scandal with her “sub cult” of IHOP and Tyler Deaton’s “immorality” as it was described, shook the entire area. After I moved away scandal after scandal seemed to emerge not only from the house of prayer but from the ministries of Bill Gothard, Todd Bentley, Ravi Zacharias, Ted Haggard and so many others.

My Own Story

If you’re curious about my own story, yes I was sexually abused by both men and women in the church, multiple churches in multiple states and church plants by both pastors and members. The problem is not simply one person, one man or one organisation. To victims and those who have experienced abuse, can we stop simply saying “sexual immorality” and say what it is? ABUSE, it’s abuse and it has to stop. Many victims like myself had no context for what was happening as it happened because it didn’t fit the typical box of full blown violence, or a man attacking a woman. Sometimes it was more subtle, often survival instincts such as fight flight and freeze kicked in. Sometimes that survival brain does its’ job and represses memories that don’t come back until later when the brain realises it’s no longer in danger. I was shocked to find out in therapy that I had a brain injury. CPTSD is a brain injury, just like a broken arm. In working through EMDR to heal my brain many more memories came out than just my initial repressed one. When I came forward with these memories I was told by my own father that these stories were “brainwashed into me by my therapist” and that “I had a happy childhood”. I know many others experienced what I did. It’s hard for parents too. If one of my sons told me my best friend hurt them, I would probably have a lot of anger and appropriate rage towards that friend, but also experience a grief at that loss even though the loss of that friend is completely appropriate and healthy. For so many victims there’s this “everyone get along and kiss and makeup” kum-baya” treatment. If you say you’re sorry it’s done and “everyone should get along”. No, not at all. Sometimes a happy ending means that it’s appropriate for relationships to end and boundaries to be set. A relationship ending can be successful and the highest form of love. You can still love someone and have them be abusive and inflict trauma on you or others. It is healthy and ok to and release them in love and put a stop to “unrepentant” and hurtful behaviour. Not everyone needs or deserves access to you and your family. Protect what is valuable to you.

Conclusion

In the words of a leader I had there, I can draw only one conclusion, absolute power absolutely corrupts. Every leader I have ever had has one thing in common, they’re just human. The second any man becomes more than a human we are in danger of being gullible to abuses of every kind. The second a man and a “cause” or a “ministry” become more important than the care and wellbeing of our own family members and their feelings and our love and care of them we are in danger. With 45,000 denominations there are endless leaders like Ted Haggard, Bill Gothard out there who will take all your endless volunteer hours and time, money and life. The layout of power in these places are often fostering of abuses of many kind. They often don’t care about your family life, your marriage or your wellbeing, those are YOURS not theirs to watch over and take care of. They’ll gladly take their 30 million+ per year while you work below the poverty line and give and give and give to their “cause” and building project while your family suffers and you don’t walk in your own purpose or find it because you’re working 90+ hours for their ministry because “God sees” and “God will make up for my sacrifice” and other horrific logic as such. If you decide to live this way, that’s your right, it’s YOUR decision. The masses that followed Hitler chose to follow him initially, later some were forced with violence. It’s an extreme example, but you get my point. Who would any leader be without their mass following? No one. Ultimately you choose who you follow, who you are and what you put up with. If you want to know where this often leads in ministry you can find it in the words of Mother Theresa as she experienced this same emptiness as she gave herself away to the poor. In 1956 she wrote

“Such deep longing for God–and…repulsed–empty–no faith–no love–no zeal. Saving souls holds no attraction–Heaven means nothing–pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything.”

And in 1959 “If there be no God, there can be no soul, if there is no souls then Jesus, you also are not true”

People vote with their feet, their bank accounts, their time and their energy. If you disagree with an organisation or a person that abuses people, stop giving them your money, time, energy and otherwise access to you. If you are a victim I would encourage you to read books like “The body keeps the Score” and go to therapy so that when and if you decide to speak out you have solid support and protection and are in the safest and healthiest place you can possibly be. I encourage abuse victims all the time to find something empowering like martial arts to learn to not only regulate the very real bodily trauma responses that happen but to also take back their power. For myself I found this in Jiu Jitsu, but everyone will be a bit different.

There are so many delusions around these “ministries” and their cult culture followings. The extremist lifestyles fuel “the cause” and all the emotional highs around this that get their followers addicted to the “cause”. The second you make these men truly human, the cause is gone. The bigger question at the end of this is “Who are you?”. Ultimately if you know who you are and who God is to you (if you believe in God) you can be very clear on your life and the boundaries around it.

While many of you came here wondering and asking about my time at the house of prayer, the recent allegations against Mike Bickle and if I had seen any scandals or cover ups, the truth is that there’s a greater danger to be seen everywhere in the 45,000 denominations or “non denominations” of Christianity where men and causes are worshipped, “umbrellas” of authority and silence are put into place, victims are shamed and silenced and extremist lifestyles are prioritised over loving and being in real true present relationships with those around us. I’m calling out not just the abuse but HOW that abuse happens in multiple places across many organisations. What I just described above is how spiritual, sexual and any form of abuse happens. It happens when we don’t listen to our children that someone is dangerous because we worship that friend or family member as “trustworthy”. We give all our hours and life to some cause or ministry because we’re captivated in a person’s charisma and want a part of that ourselves, or may feel true conviction about a cause but are unwilling to think of our true part in that cause to make it personal and instead end up blindly following a path laid out for us an a big organisation. in something we agree with or that a lot of our friends are doing. It’s time to put priorities in place and stop worshipping and idolising men and causes. They’re just men, go love your families, be kind, be present and aware, that’s how you start a real revolution and become in tune and protect the voiceless and those who could otherwise be victimised.